After eight days of crying and asking myself questions I could not find answers to I feel weak. I must have walked miles of damp pavement, smoked hundreds of cigarettes that soured in my mouth. I feel diminished.
At this point it is hard to fight for anything. It feels as if a big black cloud is following me wherever I go. But I do know that if I want to find that tiny piece of me that isn’t defined by nightmares and bad events, I have to look for it. Like a piece of sea glass that glitters on the shore, I have to wade through thick mud and prise it from the ground with my fingers.
Today I booked in to get my car fixed. It has been languishing on the sidewalk for months, battery completely dead. I hate driving but if I can practice I can gain some freedom. Maybe I can take myself on all of those adventures I had planned?
I made a list. Of the things I want to do and the things I must.
It is hard to think of things I want with a brain that digs its heels in and lags behind. Regardless I know that I want to keep writing. I want to write more. I want to send submissions of my work out in to the world again. I want people to read the things I write and to feel something. I can make a difference in the world, even if it is small.
I bought gym clothes. I want to go back after so many years away. To stretch my legs and to feel the ache in my muscles that reminds me I am still here, still moving forwards – not stuck in time like my mind would have me believe. I can not run from my demons but I do not have to stand still and let them consume me. I don’t need to be better, I just need to be.
I have time now to remind myself who I am and to discover new bits of me. I don’t want to be a new and improved person because I am not sure that is what I need, except to move forward and to stop looking back.
I am sure the tears will come again before long, but the moments of clarity last a little bit longer each time and I hold on to hope that one day soon I will feel like a whole person again.
I long for a block of ice, to replace my warm, beating heart; something cold to the touch, where you can’t reach me.
I long to take all the warmth and hurl it in to a cold sea, watching it melt away under a dark, hungry surface where I could never pull it ashore.
I long to put out the embers burning away at the corners of my mind, leaving thick tendrils of smoke. To smooth over the bumps and the raw, sharp edges with a blanket of soft white snow.
And when Spring comes, I hope I will not thaw.
I wrote a letter today, one that I will never send.
Scribbled handwriting, through bleary eyes – words with feeling. Words that meant so little – like an apple rotten at the core. I threw that letter away.
Sometimes it is impossible to write about matters of the heart. To put down in black and white the things that are running through your mind and pulsing through your veins. I used to think that words were everything – they had the power to change the world. And maybe they do, but sometimes – in times like these – words are meaningless.
Life has the potential to be so beautiful, why does so much of it have to be so cold?
I would give anything to be able to write the letter that makes it better. The letter that makes it warm again.
But to write it would be to understand it. And the world does not make much to sense to me anymore.
Whenever life feels a little too heavy I take a walk. It has always been the way. Getting outside, breathing lungfuls of fresh air and stretching my legs reminds me that I’m alive. And sometimes, that’s just enough.
On New Years Eve my boyfriend and I went to our favourite pizza place – Voodoo Rays, and then on to a couple of quiet pubs to neck drinks and make each other laugh. We ate all the pizza, drank all the drinks and danced at home to a really weird playlist of mediocre music from the past decade. It honestly was the best way to see in 2020 and wave goodbye to the absolute horror-show of the past year. Nothing screams fresh start quite like a Hot Mix 5 and a badly-made bourbon sours with the best friend and boyfriend you could ever wish for.
Naturally when we woke up on the 1st of January we were feeling a little worse for wear. Nursing hangovers and strangely aching muscles (I taught him how to slut drop and I think that was a little more exercise than we’re both used to lately) we armed ourselves with cameras and set off in to the grey morning in search of birds, wildlife and fresh air.
It has been a bit quiet on the blog this past festive season. Usually in the run up to the big day I’d have posted a big Lush Christmas haul and review – however this year I didn’t try a single new product! Instead I exercised some willpower (read: I had to spend my money on Christmas presents for other people!) Instead I did something that screams logic (which is a pretty new concept for me, let’s be honest) and I waited for the Boxing Day sales to grab some half-priced bargains! Today I thought I’d share that haul with you, alongside a few other bits I was kindly gifted for Christmas. As the season has already passed and many of these products are no longer on the shelves, I will not be including prices or reviewing the sets/products as such- just giving a general overview and my thoughts. Disclaimers done, let’s get in to it!
This year I haven’t listened to any Christmas songs.
It’s the 31st of October and it can mean just two things; 1. It’s the spookiest day of the year – Halloween! And 2. It’s the end of Blogtober!
For my final Blogtober post I thought I’d reflect on the month gone by and write a little bit about how I found this years challenge.
Today’s Blogtober post is a short but sweet one – I thought I’d share mine and my Mum’s attempt at carving pumpkins!
During the Autumn months there’s nothing I love more than a good woodland walk or to stretch my legs around a country park. It’s the perfect season for spotting wonderful wildlife, taking in natural beauty and of course, pulling on a warm jumper to keep the cold at bay.
For today’s Blogtober post I thought it would be fun to share some of my favourite knits – Autumn-appropriate jumpers for cosy Sunday afternoons.
Last year I decided it would be fun to create some goodie bags for the local Trick or Treaters. They went down really well with many of the kids delightedly exclaiming “there’s toys in here!”
This year I’d thought I’d have a go at making some more and because it’s Blogtober it only seemed appropriate to share!
Next month I turn the big 3-0. I can’t quite believe that I am leaving my twenties behind, I still feel a bit like an overgrown child if I’m being honest.
For today’s Blogtober I thought it would be fun to share a ‘birthday wish list’. At this point in my life I honestly don’t ask (or want) people to buy me specific gifts so everything you see here will more than likely be purchased by myself over the course of the next few weeks!
It was a cold, blustery Wednesday when we decided to revisit Tilbury Fort. Years ago we lived in the area and whenever we visit my Dad’s grave which is nearby, we always walk to a hill with a view that stretches out as far as Tilbury, and point out our old flats.
Tilbury Fort is most known for its historical significance – but when I think about it, I just remember walking along the shore with my Dad, beach-combing for sparkly beads and long-lost marbles.
When I bought my first ever house one of the things I was most excited for was the garden. I couldn’t wait to build an aviary, plant a bunch of flowers and put up lots of bird feeders. My garden was a wonderful haven for wildlife – I once counted 4-5 hedgehogs in it at a single time and regularly had interesting birds on the fence (including a big sparrowhawk!)
So obviously it’s no surprise that one of the things I miss the most, now that I no longer have my home, is my garden. Throughout my years of blogging I have always documented my gardens – whether through a taking a look at the garden birds that were visiting my feeders or the plants that were growing in my borders – I loved discovering and sharing the nature on my doorstep. So despite the fact I no longer have my own garden, I have been taking lots of photos of my Mums (which is where I currently live) and have been utilising it to the best of my ability. For today’s Blogtober I thought I’d share my (current) garden in Autumn and all of the wonderful changes the season is bringing about.
One thing I love about Blogtober is its ability to push your creative boundaries. For those who don’t blog every day it can be a real challenge to come up with fresh new content. For me personally, daily blogging can be stressful and when Blogtober rolls around I can often be found stressing and seemingly all out of ideas. That’s where a little bit of creativity comes in. Past Blogtobers have seen me tackle craft projects , get outside with my camera to take photos and even bake a thing or two!
This year has obviously been no exception but I did notice a distinct lack of baking! For today’s Blogtober I thought it might be fun to share a Halloween-themed bake – so simple and quick to make that anyone can give it a go with success! So without further ado, here’s my eyeball cherry pie (with fingers).