All the daffodils are long wilted. Blossoms fallen from the tree. June is here and with it comes wind, rain and grey skies (your typical British weather then, really.) It’s kinda hard to believe that we’re already half-way through the year. So much has happened yet at the same time I feel stuck – paralysed in a moment which I am unable to move forward from. It has been two months since I last wrote a blog post so today I thought it was time to check in and let you know what’s been going on in my world.
This year has been the worst of my entire life and I don’t say that lightly…I have had some pretty awful years in my 29 years on earth. To say that it has impacted my creativity, productivity and happiness would be an understatement. For me it’s really important that I always feel I am being authentic and true to myself. My blog really is a labour of love and a space where I feel able to share my thoughts, opinions and feelings. So I guess I really just wanted to share with you what’s been going on – and at the end of this post I have a request – so please bear with me and if you can help me out I would be very grateful.
So a lot of you will know that my Dad passed away in March after a fairly short battle with lung cancer. He was only 66 years old – far too young to go. The events surrounding my Dad’s death were extremely traumatic for myself and my family (although I will not get in to that here.) When my Dad was still alive I visited him every other weekend for the entire duration of his illness. We would talk about new things he could try to help him get better, drink cups of tea and watch Phoenix Nights to cheer him up. Now that he has gone I visit his grave every weekend instead. We place fresh flowers there, clear away the dead ones and sit with him – usually my Mum and I – and have a picnic lunch. It’s just our way of feeling close to him and I always hope that he is looking down on us and knowing just how much we care and miss him. There isn’t really a day that goes by where I don’t think of my Dad and as time passes I just seem to miss him more. It really has left such a void in my life.
Around the time my Dad died (about a week before perhaps) G and I broke up. It was bad timing to say the least but of course, you cannot plan these things in life. I don’t want to go in to much depth about what happened or why but I feel it is worth a mention because after four and a half years of being together, getting engaged at one point and owning a house together it is a huge change in my life and I am still adjusting. As it stands I am still in the process of sorting out housing arrangements for myself – but this is not without its complications so as I’m sure you can imagine, is only adding to my stress.
This year my aviary was also attacked by a rat or stoat, and every single bird in there was killed. I have lots of posts on my blog about my birds and my aviary which I won’t link to because it hurts. This happened at the beginning of the year and I can’t lie – I am still massively struggling to process this. The only way I can really deal with the pain of this is by not thinking about it or talking about it, and just generally trying to pretend it didn’t happen. When the thoughts hit me unexpectedly I feel like I’m going to be physically sick…to lose any pet is devastating but to lose a whole aviary full of beloved birds – to know that they were killed in the night by some disgusting rodent – well that really pains the soul. Some of the birds I had had for years. Some of them were third generation that we had bred ourselves. It’s just too unbearable for me to think about.
And if losing them wasn’t painful enough, just mere weeks after my Dad’s death our beloved family dog Poppy became very unwell and had to be unexpectedly put to sleep due to life threatening tumours that were unable to be treated. I loved Poppy like a family member and for her to leave so suddenly was shocking and painful. The way I dealt with this was by telling myself it was her time and that Dad needed her up in heaven. After everything that has happened to me this year I’m too numb to process painful things in the way I might have in the past. I just don’t dwell on anything for too long anymore. I can’t really.
So despite all of that I’m carrying on.
I go in to work. I visit my Mum every weekend and on occasion I have a nice day out with my best friend. Other than that things are pretty stagnant for me and my hobbies (reading, photography, blogging, writing etc) have largely fallen by the wayside.
I know that if I want things to get better I have to make more of an effort and I have to put more work in. I really do want to start blogging again. So here’s where my request comes in.
If you have read this post, please leave me a comment. Please tell me what kind of posts you want to read on PLF. Give me some ideas and inspiration. Cheer me on and help me ignite some kind of spark for this blog again. Leave links to your own posts – I truly do want to read them! It only takes a couple of minutes to leave a comment but it will be very helpful for me and make a difference.
In the meantime, watch this space. Life can only get better now, right?