After eight days of crying and asking myself questions I could not find answers to I feel weak. I must have walked miles of damp pavement, smoked hundreds of cigarettes that soured in my mouth. I feel diminished.
At this point it is hard to fight for anything. It feels as if a big black cloud is following me wherever I go. But I do know that if I want to find that tiny piece of me that isn’t defined by nightmares and bad events, I have to look for it. Like a piece of sea glass that glitters on the shore, I have to wade through thick mud and prise it from the ground with my fingers.
Today I booked in to get my car fixed. It has been languishing on the sidewalk for months, battery completely dead. I hate driving but if I can practice I can gain some freedom. Maybe I can take myself on all of those adventures I had planned?
I made a list. Of the things I want to do and the things I must.
It is hard to think of things I want with a brain that digs its heels in and lags behind. Regardless I know that I want to keep writing. I want to write more. I want to send submissions of my work out in to the world again. I want people to read the things I write and to feel something. I can make a difference in the world, even if it is small.
I bought gym clothes. I want to go back after so many years away. To stretch my legs and to feel the ache in my muscles that reminds me I am still here, still moving forwards – not stuck in time like my mind would have me believe. I can not run from my demons but I do not have to stand still and let them consume me. I don’t need to be better, I just need to be.
I have time now to remind myself who I am and to discover new bits of me. I don’t want to be a new and improved person because I am not sure that is what I need, except to move forward and to stop looking back.
I am sure the tears will come again before long, but the moments of clarity last a little bit longer each time and I hold on to hope that one day soon I will feel like a whole person again.