In a year of losses the hardest thing for me to let go of was hope. To feel as if there was none – I was resigned to keep losing and keep hurting forever.
For over two weeks I have cried almost every single day, the feeling of loss and hopelessness so all consuming it was hard to even breathe. When things felt like they couldn’t get any worse they somehow managed to. Every time I built up the tiniest bit of strength to see through the next day something else would happen to knock all of that down. The trouble was that I was living with a tiny piece of hope – the wrong kind. The kind where I thought maybe things could go back to how they were, that I could somehow fix it by being less. Then that tiny piece of hope was stamped out and finally, finally I have started to realise that what I was hoping for was the wrong thing.
It is not easy to say goodbye to people or to parts of your life but clinging on to them when they are broken beyond repair is also not healthy. I felt my fingertips tearing apart but still in my mind I clung on to this thought that maybe it could one day be okay again. After recent events it is starting to hit home that I was hurting myself for no reason at all, I was caring so much about a person who cared so little about me. And everything else that came before that – the loss of my long-term relationship, my Dad, my house, my beloved pets…all of that is gone now. Looking back is pointless in any scenario.
It is hard for me now to think about looking forward. To think about what must and what should be done or the logistics of how I even get to that point. In truth I do not have any answers. I’m still really hurting, still feel broken, still trying my best to heal.
What I would like to do though is focus on a few things. My writing for one – I have already submitted some poems to a couple of publications in hopes that they may be picked up and ignite that spark again. The other is my car. Now that it is getting fixed today I want to do my very best to push past all the fear I have had surrounding it, and to start forcing myself out on to the road more. To get better at driving and take myself on some of those adventures I know I so desperately deserve. Is that hope for a future? Maybe. Is it enough? I don’t really know, if I’m being honest.
Right now though I do know I need to get back to finding who I was. That person that got lost in all the pain and bad events. The person that could really, truly love – even when she wasn’t loved back. I want life to feel lighter now. I want it to feel kinder. A week ago I didn’t want anything – no sad times, no good times no anything. So that in itself feels a little bit like progress.
Don’t worry though, I haven’t fooled myself in to thinking that I am fixed. I am still very deeply hurting, still struggling to get through each day. It’s just now I want desperately to experience some of the things I think I do deserve. I am a kind person, and no matter how anyone treats me I will always be a kind person. And kind people deserve to have some hope, no matter how little that is.